Too Much or Not Enough at School: The Seeds of Self-Doubt
Do you remember your favorite teacher? The one that made school safe, interesting, and sometimes fun? When I was in fifth grade, Mrs. Waltz regularly let me stay in her classroom during recess to help with projects. For me, I loved being in the classroom when it was quiet and getting one-on-one quality time with her. She didn’t put pressure on me to be more social or spontaneous like many teachers did.
Whether your sensitivity is praised or criticized by teachers and classmates, getting through school as a young HSP can be a treacherous process. In her book, The Highly Sensitive Child, Dr. Elaine Aron describes this experience as “hell” and she wasn’t exaggerating! Classrooms are loud, crowded, and overstimulating places for sensitive kids who notice everything and feel deeply. The pressure to perform both academically and socially often left us feeling exhausted, anxious, and irritable.
Instead of having your feelings understood and validated, you’re called a “crybaby” by fellow students and told to “get over it” or toughen up adults. Labels placed on you by teachers, friends, and bullies that accuse you of being “shy”, “too quiet”, “too sensitive”, or “serious” are sticky. The feelings of being different, fragile, or defective linger for years afterward. This is where the seeds of self-doubt and perfectionism begin to be sown.
Highly Sensitive Teacher’s Pet
Despite being misunderstood, sensitive kids are often a teacher’s dream in many regards - we’re most likely to follow the rules, get our homework done, and don’t talk out of turn. Being naturally more conscientious as an HSP can get you the label of “teacher’s pet” at school. Don’t get me wrong, this does have its perks, especially when you get to participate in special projects or interesting reading assignments that you wouldn’t otherwise have access to, like what Mrs. Waltz provided for me. But being the quiet, shy one certainly doesn’t make you popular! Even if you had one or two close friends who appreciated what a great listener or loyal friend you were, that often wasn’t enough to shield you from being teased for being different.
Feeling scared during dodgeball, easily getting upset when someone makes a joke, or being too anxious to attend a sleepover or sleepaway camp like everyone else will easily make you a target for ridicule. The qualities of empathy, conscientiousness, and dedication that make you an amazing friend, colleague, and partner later in life are just not valued at school, mostly by peers, but also by many teachers. Being a good student is not enough, you also have to be gregarious and easy going. There is an unrealistic expectation for highly sensitive students to conform to the non-HSP standard.
Creating Your Inner Voice
Hearing messages that you’re not enough of this or too much of that when you’re a kid may seem irrelevant in adulthood, but whether you realize it or not these messages are now your inner voice, the backdrop of your daily thoughts, and the guidepost by which you make decisions about your self-worth and your self-care. Most highly sensitive adults are haunted by the ghosts of these past messages from teachers and classmates. Think about what happens when you have the urge to hibernate in bed after a long week. Do you push yourself beyond your bandwidth, feel guilty for resting, or completely accept your needs?
What you’re told as a kid matters, especially for highly sensitive children who are heavily shaped by their environment and sponges for the little details - picking up on subtle body language and understanding subtext and tone of voice. Young HSPs not only notice everything, they will contort themselves to fit in and make everyone else happy. We are often little adult perfectionists-in-training!
Reclaim Your Sensitive Gifts
Being mislabeled as shy or quiet when you actually just have a brain that’s wired to observe before engaging is hurtful. It teaches you that your natural way of being careful and thorough is problematic, despite its value in many areas of your life. Being criticized for being too interested in a subject instead of being taught to nurture your natural inclination to deep dive and problem solve sticks with you. You’re more hesitant to recognize and accept your sensitivity as a strength, instead attempting to disavow them to mold yourself to be what others expect of you, to be like everyone else. The truth is you were born sensitive for a reason and you can reclaim your sensitive gifts as an adult!
In my new book, Big Feelings, Big Joy: The Essential Practices to Reclaim Your Strengths as a Highly Sensitive Person, you’ll learn to:
reframe these negative labels into positive characteristics
understand the value your sensitivity holds
live a more fulfilling life as an HSP without all the overwhelm and guilt you’ve become accustomed to
Find more information about the book and preorder your copy here (book club + bonuses included!)
