What If You’re Not “Too Much” and Good Enough as You Are?
Do you prefer to blend in or stand out? Many highly sensitive people work hard to fade into the background and not have their sensitivity front and center, but I’ve been on a mission in the opposite direction.
Instead of hiding away the essence of who I am, the parts I cannot change, I want to take up more space. Not in a narcissistic way, but in an effort to be more authentically myself and foster deeper connections with the people I care about. Growing up I was ridiculed for being too soft spoken, teased for being too quiet, and misunderstood for my sensitivity. To be accepted by family and friends, I outwardly masked my true nature and molded myself to what others wanted me to be. Inside I found solace as my mind wandered privately through deep thoughts and feelings, I poured my heart out onto my journal, and managed to find a few HSP friends before I knew what that was. Thankfully I just sensed that we were on the same wavelength.
Keeping Sensitivity Hidden
Have you also hid yourself away to be “good enough” or blend in with the non-HSPs around you? Have you kept your sadness, passions, or existential thoughts tucked away and turned down to an acceptable level? It’s exhausting hiding who you truly are, pretending you weren’t born with big emotions, near limitless empathy, a propensity toward meaning thoughts, and the eyes of a detective.
On a recent trip back to the east coast to visit my niece for her birthday, I was hitting up against some old internal messaging that said to keep myself (and my emotions) small. Not that anyone was implying that, I was just in the physical location, my hometown, where those messages were instilled in me. If you’ve ever visited home as an adult, only to find yourself acting as you did as a child or teenager, you know exactly what I’m talking about! Those associations are strong and it’s easy to regress.
I feel a strong connection to my nieces and nephews since I don’t have any kids of my own, but I often notice myself holding back my excitement to see them because I don’t want to be overbearing. What I realized on this trip was that my efforts to not be “too much” were blocking me from having an authentic relationship with the kids in my life who I care for deeply. When I live far away, I only have a few opportunities to make connections throughout the year so that is not the time to hold back!
Losing Yourself to Fit In
This experience got me thinking about the loss that happens when HSPs try to fit in, to be palatable or like everyone else. Those deep connections that we are adept at fostering get stripped away. Even the rich internal experiences we’re capable of get lost, sometimes from pure exhaustion of trying to keep up and fit in.
How can you show up more authentically as your highly sensitive self? Start within and then work your way outward. The first step is getting comfortable in the depths of your feelings and interests. Getting to know yourself is rather simple on the surface, it could look like:
Journaling for five minutes as soon as you wake up or before you go to sleep
Daydreaming while you sip your morning coffee or while eating your lunch at work
Taking yourself on solo dates to the library, craft store, coffeeshop, to a concert, on a nature walk, or anywhere else that you enjoy
To encourage introspection during those quiet moments alone, ask yourself these questions:
When I feel the most like myself, what am I doing and who am I with?
If I wasn’t worried about being judged, how would I show up?
What is something I want to express more often?
When you’re ready to share your internal world with someone you feel safe with, you might start by:
Inviting them along on one of your favorite solo date activities from above
Picking out a friendship card from the stationery or drug store and writing in a message about how much they mean to you
Sharing a wish you have for yourself such as pursuing a promotion at work or learning a new hobby
Letting them see you fully express a big emotion such as joy or sadness
That might sound like:
“I’ve been really enjoying browsing at the bookstore on Saturday afternoons and then going to get a little treat. Would you like to join me this weekend?”
“We’ve been friends for a long time and I’m not sure I’ve ever told you just how much you mean to me. Thank you for being a safe space where I can be myself.”
“I haven’t shared this with anyone yet, but I’ve been thinking about making a big change at work. What do you think?”
“I feel so happy right now, I can’t believe how inspiring my trip was. Do you have space for me to share more?”
Showing up more fully takes time and involves unlearning those messages that you heard as a child or young adult. Be patient with yourself as you first embrace your sensitivity in the quiet moments and then with others.
